(SINGING) Suntan lotion is good for me
You protect me Tee-hee-hee
(SINGING GIBBERISH)
Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it.
Will ya?
Ultraviolet rays, bad!
Lotion, good.
Smiley.
There's something important I was supposed to do today.
Have five daiquiris?
Nah, nah. You remembered to do that.
(LAUGHS)
Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember.
What's today?
October?
It's nudie magazine day!
Yeah!
Watch out! Watch out!
Ooh, you're a quick one.
BILLY: Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!
Nudie magazine day!
Nudie...
(SCREAMING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Holy geez!
Lookie what we got here.
That silly penguin is back again.
No, Mr. Madison. There're no penguin.
You got too much sun today. There're no penguin!
(QUACKING)
It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walking around here.
I've got to send him back to the South Pole.
No! No!
Penguin!
Don't you dare run away!
Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!
I'm one of the good guys.
Don't run. Oh.
(PENGUIN QUACKING)
Don't... run.
Don't run from me!
Penguin!
You're a fast penguin.
Whee-hee!
Call the zoo!
All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin.
They'll treat you real respectable-like.
There's nothing to worry about, big fella.
Here I come!
Right this way, gentlemen. Mr. Madison is expecting you.
Shall we?
Leg.
Billy! You know you shouldn't be pulling that crap
in front of your father's business associates.
You get yourself upstairs and get ready!
Dinner's in 15 minutes!
Yeah, yeah.
Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy. This is a very important dinner.
You best be there.
I will.
Thank you, Juanita.
You got to dress up and look nice, too.
Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work, all right!
He's a fine piece of ass, though, too.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'!
I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.
You should've had some.
Well, maybe if you'd told me
there were delicious Triscuit crackers, I could have enjoyed them with you.
I'm sorry.
Well, sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach.
Does it, Carl?
Gentlemen.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
Have you all met?
Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.
And our operations manager, Carl Alphonse.
Sit down, gentlemen. Sit down.
Beautiful table.
Good seeing you, sir.
Where's Billy?
Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes.
I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.
Shampoo is better!
I go on first and clean the hair.
Conditioner is better.
I leave the hair silky and smooth.
Oh, really, fool? Really!
Stop looking at me, swan!
(SLURPING)
Carl, what's up?
Nothing much, Billy.
I see you got a little sun today.
You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.
Did you fall asleep, or did you pass out?
Shut up!
That's enough, Billy.
Because you took your own sweet-ass time coming down here tonight,
these gentlemen are going to miss their last flights home.
This guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
Billy, eat your soup.
It's good soup.
Well, gentlemen,
I can't thank you enough for coming out here this evening.
(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
Please, Billy. No gibberish tonight. Please, I beg you.
Sorry, Daddy.
This is a big night for me tonight.
I have an important announcement to make.
(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
That's it, Billy. Get the hell out of here!
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Nice talking to you, Billy.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
All right. One, two, three!
Hey, Billy, how come you ain't pounding any tonight?
I don't know. My dad was yelling at me.
I'm just not in the mood.
Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,
Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
'74.
Meg Ryan.
Go! Go! ALLI Go, go, go!
ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Oh, my God! I am the winner.
Billy is not an idiot.
I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be
mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company.
My late wife, Emily, and I started this company
with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island.
We built it into 650 hotels.
Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son, Billy.
Carl, how many people work for Madison?
61,000 and change.
How long are those people gonna have jobs once Billy
has the hotel operators speaking gibberish?
Oh, Billy, Billy boy!
When are you gonna find whatever it is you're looking for?
JACK: Here's a nice piece of shit.
Gaw! Eew!
Oh.
My, oh, my! Wait till old man Clemens realizes it's a bag of shit!
He gonna shit when he realizes it's shit!
Who got the lighter?
(WHISPERING)
(QUIETLY LAUGHING)
Light it!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Come on, Billy.
Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!
Here he comes!
Who the hell is it? What do you want?
Judas Priest! It's one of those flaming bags again!
MRS. CLEMENS: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!
Don't tell me my business, devil woman!
Call the fire department! This one's out of control.
(SNIFFS)
Yuck! Poop again!
He called the shit "poop!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
This is the best night of my life.
I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!
BRIAN: Billy, could you step in here for a moment?
I have big news.
Eric is pregnant! Congratulations!
Feel those kicks. He's gonna be a soccer player.
He is. He is.
All right, what's up?
I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy.
Dad? Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here?
BRIAN: You were brought up with every advantage.
I bought you everything,
toys, cars, vacations, clothes.
Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault.
I made a mistake. See...
Are you some damned moron? Can't you just stop for two seconds?
I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,
and Eric, not you, is going to take over Madison Hotels.
Eric?
You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.
What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh?
I mean, I'm doing you a favor.
You don't ever have to look for a job.
Yeah. Now you can sit around here all day goofing off,
sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.
Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
Penguin?
What an idiot!
You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it.
I think Crazy Carl is right.
I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it!
High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated.
You graduated because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades.
I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time
that if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college
and straighten yourself out.
I don't believe that.
What do you believe?
That you were an honor student?
How could I hand over my company
to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own?
I don't know.
Don't think about it. Just hand it over.
Forget it!
Well, listen. Don't you think you better go up to bed, hmm?
Big day tomorrow. A day filled with
daiquiris, Nintendos and jack-off magazines.
Dad!
Yeah, what?
Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over.
I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again.
And I'll get my diploma all by myself.
Billy, it wasn't just high school!
Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade?
Oh, no, you didn't!
Rock. R-O-K.
Yeah. So what's your point?
R-O-C-K!
The "C" is silent.
BILLY: Okay. All right.
All right, you got it.
First grade through twelfth grade, all over again.
I'll do each grade in two weeks.
Take the test, re-graduate,
prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
That's some idea.
You just think of that? Yeah, I did.
It's pretty good, huh?
Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its 61,000 employees
is too important to gamble on a game like this?
No.
You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements.
You pass every grade before June 15,
and you take over instead of Eric.
Have a nice weekend, Son.
You start school on Monday.
Oh!
Give 'em hell, Bill.
Nice try, ass wipe, but you're just delaying the inevitable.
(I'll TUMBLE FOR YA PLAYING)
BILLY: Where's my Snack Pack?
You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack.
You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?
I thought I was your Snack Pack.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Bill, you're gonna miss the bus!
Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway.
What a weirdo!
(JUANITA LAUGHS)
(SINGING) Oh, back to school Back to school
To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool
I got my lunch packed up
My boots tied tight
I hope I don't get in a fight
Oh, back to school Back to school
Well, here goes nothing.
(CHILDREN JEERING)
Thank you, Daddy.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Come on. Hurry up. We're gonna be late!
Hi. How ya doing?
Fine.
Are you going to class today too?
I'll be going to class to teach. How about you?
I'll be going to learn.
Uh, you must be Billy Madison.
Yes, I am.
Don't you think it's pathetic that just because of who your father is,
you get to come do school all over again?
Yes, I do.
Well, as long as you know.
Well, all right!
CHILD: Wait up!
(BELL RINGING)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast.
What?
Beans!
(MAKING FARTING NOISES)
Scotty likes beans. Don't you, Scotty?
Hi. How you doing?
Let's involve the class.
Quiet down, my special people.
I want you all to meet our new friend Billy.
Can everyone say hello to Billy?
Hello, Billy.
Hi.
Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks.
Billy is special,
just like each and every one of you.
And what do we do to our special people?
I wanna hug.
Hi.
Yeah, I wanna hug, too, please.
All right. All right!
Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front?
And we can start... story time!
You've got a misshaped head.
Thank you.
The Puppy Who Lost His Way, by Chrissy Taylor.
"One fine morning,
"a puppy popped his puppy Paws
"out of his puppy house.
"This was no ordinary puppy.
"This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.
"In fact, his name was Happy.
"Happy looked through the bushes...
"I'll never let you get lost again," cried the little boy,
"who was so happy
"that he gave Happy a kiss
"on his wet little puppy nose.
"The end."
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Miss Lippy,
the part of the story I don't like
is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour.
He didn't put posters up or anything.
He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited.
That little boy's got to think,
you got a pet, you got a responsibility.
If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits.
You get your ass out there, and you find that fucking dog!
I think it's time to play dodge ball.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
You're out! O'Doyle rules!
(CHILDREN JEERING)
(SITAR PLAYING ON RECORD)
Billy, what are you doing back?
I'm out.
Well,
that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts.
That's okay. I'm tired anyways.
I'll just sit here and color or something.
Billy, dodge ball time is a special time.
Not just for you boys and girls but for Miss Lippy too.
So stay outside.
Whoa!
Wow!
Now you're all in big, big trouble.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
You're out! Oh, yeah!
(BELL RINGING)
Lunchtime!
I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.
Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?
You know how badly I can beat you, right?
Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
I disagree. It's a very good game,
but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Donkey Kong sucks!
You know somethin'? You suck!
(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey! Ooh!
That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at school.
He's not my brother. He's my son.
You got to be kidding me.
Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.
I heard he's retarded or something.
(LAUGHING)
Your son's got a very creative mind.
Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.
Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time.
My dear Lord! Yeah!
Well, I got to get going now. I got to get on the bus.
I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers.
Kind of this program they've got to make sure...
Billy! Billy, you forgot your stuff.
Come on, honey.
Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!
(PHONE RINGS)
Yes'? WOMAN: Brian Madison for you.
Tell him I'm out to lunch.
Billy Madison.
A buffoon... and yet,
a threat to my eventual takeover of this company.
A menace. And what do we do with a menace?
We eliminate it.
We eliminate Billy Madison.
Tricia Labonte.
Here.
Scotty Logan.
Here.
Billy Madison.
(SPUTTERING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hmm.
Hey!
Look at all this milk.
You want some of this milk?
That milk belongs to that classroom.
Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
No milk will ever be our milk.
That wasn't very nice.
How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk?
I'd rather have a beer.
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before.
And to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
Well, it's an excellent blue duck.
Congratulations.
You just passed the first grade.
Oh, Miss Lippy! That's so great!
What do you think of that, Mr. Blue Duck?
That's quack-tastic! Quack, quack, quack.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Candy!
Wow! Look at all that candy!
Rolex!
Thanks for the watch, Billy.
You're welcome, buddy.
Well, this is great. When I graduated first grade,
all my father did was tell me to get a job.
(DONKEY BRAYS)
Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer?
Get it all messed up?
Maybe later.
I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
Okay.
Hey, there, Mr. Graduate. How's it going?
Go!
Come on, kid. Get up! Get up!
You're humiliating yourself! Get up!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa!
BILLY: That's funny.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, my-
So he's passed first grade, and he's moved on to second.
Whoop-tee-do!
Any more information, Rollo?
Billy likes to drink soda.
Miss Lippy's car is green.
And now we have just two students left.
Bath.
B-A-T-H. Bath.
Correct!
Bath. That's a little easy.
Why don't you just give her the trophy?
Cheese.
C-H-E-E-S-E.
Cheese.
Correct.
Couch.
C-
O-W...
No!
No, I'm sorry. That's not right.
(LAUGHS)
Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade.
Couch. C...
Cow. Cow.
C-O-R...
Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking.
No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister.
C-O-U-C-H.
Correct!
I am the smartest man alive!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
He gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
CARL: Everybody's having a good time but you.
Spoiled snot! Get outta here.
Let me ask you something, Carl.
You started here, what, 25 years ago?
Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?
After all your hard work, how would you feel
working for some punk kid like Billy?
Could be worse.
That's nice.
Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy, but social studies, division.
This is gonna be tough!
Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy, but social studies, division.
This is gonna be tough!
Relax, dude.
Jackpot!
Good morning, class.
CHILDREN: Good morning, Miss Vaughn.
We're gonna start today by reading together
a short story entitled, "My Sister, Fanny."
Quiet!
Let's all open up our Reading ls Fun books
to page 69.
Sixty-nine!
(LAUGHING)
Class, say hello to Billy Madison.
Hello, Billy Madison.
Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks.
I apologize for this inconvenience.
Geez, what's up her butt?
What was that, Billy?
I said, "Reading is good."
Can we start the story now?
Dan, you may begin.
(STAMMERING) "Once
"there was
"a girl
"who wanted to..."
Kid can't even read.
Cut it out, dude. You're gonna get us in trouble.
"fly an..."
(STAMMERING) Today, junior!
(CHUCKLING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
You're tearing my ear off!
Making fun of a little kid for trying to read!
Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.
You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks, or I'm gonna fail you.
End of story.
I see your lips moving,
but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf!
Oh, Veronica Vaughn!
So hot Want to touch the heinie
(HOWLING)
You know that girlie I've been chasing?
Turns out she's my third grade teacher.
First thing she does is kick me out of her class.
Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you.
Or maybe she's got something up her ass.
That's what I said.
Poor Billy.
I'm so depressed.
You want me to take my shirt off for you?
No, thank you. Okay, baby.
But remember, the offer is on the table.
Oh, yes!
Oh, my!
Oh, God, yes. Lordy.
Billy Madison!
Huh?
Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today?
Okay. Sure.
Okay. How about the word "dugout"?
Good. How about "bunt"?
Bunt. B-U-N-T.
In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters?
"Rizzuto."
"Z."
"Rirruto"?
Those are "Z's."
They look like "R's" to me.
That's not fair. "Rizzuto" is not a word!
He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
Would you like to try the word "buzz"?
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
I hate cursive, and I hate all of you!
I'm never coming back to school! Never!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
JUANITA: Billy!
I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Oh, my God! I'll go to school.
O'Doyle rules!
What's going on?
Miss Vaughn's sick.
(HANDS CLAPPING)
Please take your seats.
Who's that guy?
Principal Anderson.
Quiet, everyone!
As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today.
So I'll be taking her place.
But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching.
So I hope you plan on learning.
Now, who can tell me where we are in our social studies reader?
Yes? Michael?
Excuse me. What's that in your hand?
Bring that note up to me.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class.
"We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.
"Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long.
"If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic."
Oh, man, Billy.
I just thought of the funniest thing.
Billy?
Where's Billy?
He's in school, man.
Oh, yeah!
You know, I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,
but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.
Why? Do you like her or something?
No!
Why? She say she likes me?
Not to me.
Well, let's find out.
Hello.
Is this Miss Vaughn?
Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.
Ask her if she has a boyfriend.
Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?
(WHISPERS) No.
Ask her... Shh!
(WHISPERING) Ask her if she likes anybody
from class like more than a friend.
Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class
more than a friend?
(WHISPERS) No.
Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from class.
No! Just do it!
Miss Vaughn, would you
ever go out with anybody from class?
Uh-huh.
VERONICA: You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups.
What about Billy?
You're more of a grown-up than Billy.
I'll give you a grown-up!
What was that, Ernie?
Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.
You blew it!
Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.
Do it! Come on!
(BRAKES SCREECHING) Hey!
Who threw that?
I'll turn this damn bus around.
That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh?
Little shit.
(INAUDIBLE)
I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up!
I dare you to touch her boobs.
Touch her boobs?
That's assault, brother.
Do you double dare me?
Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there? I have to go to the bathroom.
Probably about 10 minutes.
Sorry about that.
Damn guy drives like an animal.
Huh?
That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now?
Okay. I double dare you.
That... I... Accident.
Mistake. Tit.
Go sit down. Yes.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Yeah. Here we go again. Another treat from the road.
Grand! Great banana. Trick of the day.
What is a horseshoe?
What does a horseshoe do?
Are there any horse socks?
Is anybody listening to me?
Anyways, Miss Vaughn, I am sorry about what happened back there,
but you have to admit I've been trying to be good lately.
You're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest.
I'm really trying not to hold you to a higher standard
than the rest of the students.
Although maybe I should. You are what, 50?
No. It's just that the other kids kind of look up to me.
I don't want them to think I'm a coward.
Don't worry about it.
Next week you'll have another bunch of kids to impress
and another teacher to annoy.
I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn.
I want to annoy you. Miss Vaughn!
Miss Vaughn!
Somebody stole all our lunches.
Who would steal 30 bag lunches?
I'll tell you who took those lunches.
That damn Sasquatch.
Well, I guess that's it.
Okay, everybody. Back on the bus!
(CHILDREN GROANING)
What's with Ernie?
I don't know. I'll be right back.
Hey, Ernie! What's up?
Nothing.
You falling in love with the wall or something?
I had an accident.
You had an accident? What does that mean?
Gooo!
Oh, I know. Okay.
Don't worry, buddy. Hang tight. I'll be right back.
Hey, look, everybody. Billy peed his pants.
Of course I peed my pants!
Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
Really? Yes!
You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.
Wow! Hey, man! Ernie peed his pants too.
All right!
Cool!
If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
(EXCLAIMS)
That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!
Let's go!
Let's get on the bus here.
Move it! Get up there. Dial 1257.
Move it or lose it! Get on the...
Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.
That Veronica Vaughn
is one piece of "ace."
I know from experience, dude,
if you know what I mean.
No, you don't.
Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.
Him and her got it on!
(EXCLAIMING)
No, they didn't.
No, no, no. They didn't.
But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right?
Huh? Huh?
Everybody on? Good! Great!
Grand! Wonderful!
No yelling on the bus!
Billy passed the third grade
Oh, what a glorious day
Oh, passing third grade
The Billy Madison way
BILLY: Yeah!
Rock on! Yes!
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
BOY: Stop it.
Who are you?
I don't even know you. Go away, mister.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Look, she came!
And she came too.
The mucus queen is yours.
Thanks.
Hi!
Oh, my gosh! Aw, man.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Snack Pack! You're the coolest!
Those should last you through the weekend.
Thank you very much.
Looks like Billy is on the right track now.
He's on track, all right.
He's headed right down the...
(CHOKING)
Easy.
So you still don't think Billy's gonna make it?
Trust me, Carl baby. I know he's not gonna make it.
Will you excuse me for a second?
Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?
Who?
(SINGING) Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha
Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha
That was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.
He would've done the same for me.
So what's it like being back in school?
I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes.
Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Is it just you and your dad in here?
Well, actually, no.
There's Juanita and some maids and butlers and stuff.
And people who work for my dad are always stopping by.
Then my friends are always sleeping over, even when I didn't ask them to.
Sounds like a hotel.
Yeah, it kinda is. It can be distracting.
That's why I moved out here.
BOY: I'm faster than you. You're way slower!
Oh, wow.
This is where I've been spending most of my time lately.
Not exactly roughing it, are you?
Those are... They come with the tent.
I see.
Wow. A Tale of Two Cities.
I don't think we're up to that one yet.
I can understand nine words in that book now.
So, it's
the last day of third grade.
And you have the teacher alone in your tent.
What do you want to do?
Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do.
Mmm-hmm.
One would involve some ice cubes
and a nine iron.
Two would include a buffalo. Really?
Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed
for safety's sake.
Three: We'd bring back some of those ice cubes.
Switch it over to a pitching wedge.
How you guys doing?
Hey, Carl! Good to see you!
This is Veronica, my teacher.
That's Carl.
Very pleased to meet you.
Bill, I think Eric is up to something.
Who's Eric?
He works for my dad too.
He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douche bag.
He made some menacing comments to me earlier today,
then he did that weasel laugh he does.
Yeah. How's that laugh go again?
You know.
(LAUGHING)
That's very good. That sounded just like him.
Thanks. Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve.
Thanks, buddy. No problem.
TEACHER: The most densely populated part of the United States
is along the eastern seaboard.
We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes.
We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking attendance.
Now the first census of the United States...
Take it on! Pick it up and give it the old... Yeah!
You want some of this?
Oh, my dear Lord!
You never leave me open, son, 'cause I'm gonna hit it every time.
You want some more of that? I didn't think so!
(SCREAMING)
(BURPING) A! B! C!
(BURPING) D, E, F, G...
All right, stop before I throw up.
You wanna go play soccer with us after school?
No. I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week.
Next week you'll be in ninth grade.
Yeah, high school.
That's right.
You aren't gonna wanna hang around
with a bunch of dumb elementary school kids like us anymore.
That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time.
Yeah, to see your girlfriend.
(HOOTING)
(MENACINGLY LAUGHING)
Have some more sloppy joes!
I made 'em extra sloppy for youse!
I know how youse kids likes 'em sloppy!
Lady, you're scaring us!
Go! Go! Yeah!
Do you know where the bathroom is?
Second door on the left.
Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading?
I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here.
There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.
Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.
Where'd you get that?
I have a subscription.
Gee. He's a bad guy.
He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.
Boy, this wacko looks familiar.
What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?
My God!
In June, 1983, he sat on some guy's head and killed him.
It was just a stunt!
He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.
With this guy sitting on everyone's head and everything,
I wonder how he had time to get his teaching degree.
No!
No, you can't do that to me! Those kids are my whole life!
You wouldn't want anything to happen that would make them think less of you, right?
(WHISPERING) Max?
You ready to cooperate with me?
Yes.
Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
Check out that car.
Nice shirt! Yeah. Yep.
(BELL RINGING)
So now the cell's happy.
But there are other molecules saying, "Hey, we'd like some energy too."
And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll,
to carry out the action.
This does not make the ribosomes happy.
Oh.
Poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this.
Chlorophyll?
More like "bore-ophyll."
Right?
It's a little bit stuffy in here, huh?
Don't talk to me.
And why is that?
Because you're a loser.
I don't know from these ribosomes, and chlorophyll helps chloroplast...
No, I will not make out with you!
Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in class!
You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what.
All she's talking about is making out with me!
I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you.
Go on with the chlorophyll!
O'Doyle rules!
Thanks a lot, O'Doyle.
Nice meeting you.
(BOY LAUGHING)
Wait'll they start with the wedgies.
Yeah. You oughta start cutting your underwear
before you get to school so it rips easier.
I see. Who are you guys?
We're the guys everybody used to pick on before you started here.
Oh, no, they ain't picking on me.
They're giving me a hard time 'cause I'm the new guy. A little first-day hazing.
Are you in loser denial or something?
I had a bad case of loser denial myself,
till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass.
Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school.
Hundred friends. Million parties.
You guys are losers, not me.
And that is what a prime number is.
CHILDREN: Billy! Billy!
Figuring on how I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down to say hi.
How's high school, Billy?
Yeah, how's high school?
Oh, high school is great!
I mean, I'm learning a lot!
And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great!
Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.
Don't you say that.
Don't you ever say that!
Stay here! Stay as long as you can.
For the love of God, cherish it!
VERONICA: Jennifer, why don't you try reading out loud for a minute?
You got to cherish it. You do.
I don't understand it.
Ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun!
You had a little too much fun since you've got to do it again.
I know. It's just the classes are so hard.
And all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.
You are a goof.
Mmm.
Suck it up. Eight more weeks and you're all set.
Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.
Okay. I got to go, okay?
Billy, wait.
It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it?
No.
Maybe the first time you went to high school,
you weren't as nice to kids you thought were losers.
I know what you're saying. You're so smart!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
- Hi, is this Danny McGraff? - Yeah.
The Danny McGraff that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984?
Yeah. Who's this?
This is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me.
But I went to high school with you.
I kinda gave you a hard time back then.
I did some things I thought were funny at the time.
But now I realize they were just mean and stupid.
I just wanted to apologize and I hope you forgive me.
Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. It's no problem.
Wow, that's great!
Well, I am sorry,
and maybe we can get together and have coffee or something.
Sure, I'd like that.
Okay. Okay. I'll see you around.
Bye.
Speak for yourself, moron.
Oh, my God, that is funny!
Next on News 9, a shocking story of
power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon.
How his 27-year-old millionaire son
cheated his way through elementary school.
Stay tuned. What the hell?
Now, now, maybe it's somebody else.
My name is Max Anderson.
I'm the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School.
Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there.
During that time, Mr. Madison was disruptive.
The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,
which I regrettably accepted.
I'm sorry, Billy.
REPORTER: That was principal Max Anderson of Polly Factor Elementary School.
Dad, he's lying!
You made a fool out of me.
This was a mistake from the beginning.
Brian, I got some forecasts for you to... Why is everybody so glum?
You seriously don't believe me, Dad?
That's right.
I seriously don't believe you.
The deal's off. Eric's got the company.
Wow! Good news for me.
I can't believe this is happening right now.
What're you gonna do? Gonna come to class on Monday?
It wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
Stupid idea in the first place.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Get up out of this bed!
(SHOUTING)
Hello! Billy's here!
Hey, baby!
You looking hot tonight!
Billy, what has happened to you?
We gonna go on a date.
You, me, Jack and Frank
are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps.
And we gonna sets it on fire!
Billy, why are you acting like this?
I know that you didn't pay off Max.
That makes two of us then, baby.
But it takes more than two to tango. Or something like that.
So let's go!
No, let's stay.
And the three of you can light dog shit on my living room floor.
Come on, Billy, you know that...
Talky, talky, talky. No more talky.
You got a lighter in here?
Oh.
I see what's going on in here.
So sorry to interrupt!
Proceed!
Billy, you're losing your mind.
All right, boys' night out!
Let's go!
(VERONICA GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
I need to talk to you.
Geez!
What's going on, man?
Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.
Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo!
Marco! Polo!
Ah, geez, that was a great game.
Yeah.
You know what? I got an idea for you.
Instead of being an idiot every day,
why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company?
'Cause I don't want it anymore. Oh!
What do you mean you don't want it anymore?
Do I got something coming out of my nose?
I can't believe I ever liked someone who could just roll over and die like this.
I ain't rolling over and dying! I was set up!
And worst of all, nobody believes me.
I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.
Some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision.
They just drift through life like lumps of crap.
What is she talking about?
You have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em.
Don't be.
You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison, so win.
(SINGING) Yes, I will go back to school
And achieve victory
No man will take what my father has built
Unless that man is me
My Billy Sweet Billy Boy
I knew you would go back
No one can stop you if you try
Don't I have a nice rack?
Veronica, I thank you
For beating the shit out of me
I see things so clearly now
I choose my destiny
Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya
We're here to help you, Billy
Get back in school to stay
You got to work real hard And stick it out
Till graduation day
Hey, kids, it's me
I bet you thought that I was dead
But when I fell over I just broke my leg
And got a hemorrhage in my head
There are obstacles in the way
But together we shall overcome
Overcome
You can't break our spirit You can't kill our dreams
Do you have any more gum? More gum, more gum, more gum
Do you have any more gum?
Oh, hello, kids.
Mr. Anderson, is that you?
Oh! Yes, actually it is.
This is just... Well, this is...
Normally, I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision.
So, why don't you just run on... Oh, boy!
It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but...
Mr. Anderson, Billy said the stuff you said didn't happen.
Is he lying or are you lying?
Ah, well, listen, kids, it's not always as simple as all that.
The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue.
I know now that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.
No, no, no, no, no!
It's something I must learn to live with.
Joyce?
What a mess.
First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it.
And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.
Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
I believed in Billy all along.
Oh, cut the horseshit!
I know you blackmailed Max.
BRIAN: Take it easy, Billy.
Things were going along great
until this wrestling freak messed things up.
Billy should get another shot at high school.
Hey, rules are rules! Billy was supposed to finish
each grade within the two weeks or I get the company.
And he didn't finish ninth grade.
Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
Extenuating, exmenuating! We had a deal, a signed, written deal.
Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.
Well, technically you're right, but...
Shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to your jawing for too long.
"Well, technically..."
Just shut up!
Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
No!
Then I'll see your ass in court.
Good.
Nice talking to ya, shit headsl
Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this right now? No lawyers.
You and me. Mano y mano.
What does that mean?
Carl, what does that mean?
I don't know.
It means an academic decathlon: One day, 10 events,
testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school.
Me versus you!
You're joking, right?
Let's take it a little easy here, Billy, huh?
No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday.
Let's do it.
Is that all right with you, Daddy?
Well, if you think you can beat him.
Oh, I can! And I will.
It's a deal.
I know it was you.
You broke my heart.
Here's the trigonometry and notes for the classes you missed.
This is last year's physics notes. It's the best I could do.
Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
O'Doyle rules!
O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down.
But for now, I've got to study.
VERONICA: Norman invasion of England.
1066.
That is correct.
Magna Carta.
1215?
Yes.
Spanish Armada.
1466.
'67.
1469.
1514.
1981.
1986.
Please, do not do that.
Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second.
Please, God, give me the answer!
(SPANISH LESSON PLAYING ON RECORD)
(QUICKLY READING FRENCH)
Slow down.
(QUICKLY READING FRENCH)
Oh!
Spanish Armada.
Ah, 1588!
That is correct.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thanks to a generous donation by Mr. Madison
to the Knibb High School library,
I've been able to arrange for 10 different teachers
to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study.
However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,
especially with my wife who is a dirty, dirty tramp,
I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
All right then. Let the academic decathlon begin!
(BILLY LAUGHING)
Yes!
Second team all-American. Harvard track.
Is that right?
Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?
Yeah. They were weird-looking.
Whoa!
He's good.
"To be or not to be:
"That is the question.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
"to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..."
BILLY: "Or to take arms
"against a sea of troubles,
"and by opposing end them?
"To die:
"To sleep. No more."
Yea, Billy!
Hey, hey, hey!
- Who rules? ALL: - O'Doyle rules!
ALL: O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!
O'Doyle rules!
(EXPLODING)
Good afternoon, students.
You've been invited here to witness the 10th and final event
in the competition between Mr. Eric Gordon and Mr. Billy Madison.
As of this moment, Mr. Madison is ahead by one point.
Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent.
Mr. Madison will go first.
Mr. Gordon, choose the topic.
"English Literature."
"U.S. Presidents."
"My Wife, the Tramp."
"Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response."
"Reflections of Society in Literature."
Reflections of Society in Literature.
Good luck, schmuck.
Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution
changed the face of the modern novel forever.
Discuss, citing specific examples.
MAN: Come on, Billy!
(CLEARING THROAT)
Come on!
AUDIENCE: Come on, Billy, you can do it.
Okay-
The Industrial Revolution to me
is just like a story I know called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.
The world was changing,
and the puppy was getting bigger.
So you see, the puppy was like industry
in that they were both lost in the woods.
And nobody, especially the little boy,
"society,"
knew where to find them.
Except that the puppy was a dog.
But the industry, my friends,
that was a revolution.
Knibb High football rules!
Mr. Madison, what you've just said
is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.
At no point in your rambling, incoherent response
were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.
Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.
I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine, but...
You remain one point ahead.
Mr. Gordon, it is your turn. Mr. Madison, choose the topic.
I choose Business Ethics.
Mr. Gordon,
the American business environment has fundamentally changed
following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals.
Explain business ethics and how they are applied today.
BOY: Boo!
(STAMMERING) The ethics of business
can be summarized in...
BOY: Boo!
Yeah.
See...
Ethics are...
You know the...
The thing about ethics...
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRES)
(ALL CLAMORING)
That quesflon was not fair.
That was not in the reading. I demand a new question.
Take it easy, psycho. You blew it. You lose.
I oughta blow you away, you miserable...
Go ahead and do it!
Yikes!
(SCREAMING)
No!
ERIC: Get off me!
(LAUGHING)
No!
Man, I'm glad I called that guy!
Max, are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
Okay.
A little confused.
Kinda sweaty.
A little hungry, but all in all I'm okay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
Well, what can I say? I graduated.
It's over. I did it.
I know most of you are saying, "Hey, any idiot could do that."
Well, it was tough for me, so back off!
Sorry. Sorry about that.
Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!
BILLY: That's nice, buddy.
Yahoo! Yahoo for school!
Yahoo for me!
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me.
So I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels
and give the company to Carl.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Peace! I'm outta here!
Daddy!
What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.
Eric doesn't take over the company.
Are you sure this is what you want to do?
I'm sure, Dad. And thanks for everything.
(CHUCKLING)
Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life.
You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you.
I'm still horny.
Jesus!
All right, man, you're hurting me.
You think he's horny.
Come here.
(THE STROKE PLAYING)